As we are gearing up here for 20 cm of snowfall, I was reminded of a time I was trying to push my cart across the parking lot at our local grocery store. The parking lot had not been cleared of snow, and pushing my cart full of food through the snow was not going well. I decided to move to the front of the cart, and it was so much easier to pull it than to push it. I’m sure there is a physics rule behind this—I just can’t remember my high school physics class 😊
In the quiet part of my spirit, I felt like the Holy Spirit reminded me that pulling works so much better than pushing in parenting too. I can be a pusher—I know that about myself. And after 25 years of parenting, I’ve learned pushing often just pushes them away. Instead, we need to learn to pull them in. Pull them into relationship, pull them into using wisdom, pull them into obeying because they see the why’s behind our rules or requests.
So how do you know if you’re pulling or pushing? Look for these clues and then make the switch to pulling, because just like my shopping cart in the parking lot, pulling works so much better.
Signs You’re Pushing (Not Pulling)
Your voice gets louder and your tone gets sharper. When we push, we tend to escalate. We repeat ourselves at higher volumes, hoping they’ll finally listen. But kids tune out the yelling—they’ve heard it before. Pulling sounds different. It’s calmer, steadier, and leaves space for them to actually hear you.
You’re doing all the talking. Pushing is one-directional—you tell, they (hopefully) do. But pulling invites conversation. When you pull, you ask questions: “What do you think would happen if…?” or “Help me understand why this is hard for you.” Pulling makes room for their voice, which makes them way more likely to engage with yours.
They’re getting more resistant, not less. If every interaction feels like you’re meeting a brick wall, that’s your sign. The harder you push, the harder they push back. It’s human nature. Pulling changes the dynamic entirely—instead of a power struggle, it becomes a partnership. You’re inviting them to walk with you instead of forcing them to comply.
You feel exhausted and they seem checked out. Pushing is draining for everyone. You’re tired from the constant battles, and they’ve learned to just wait you out or shut down. Pulling breathes life back in. It reconnects you, reminds them you’re on their team, and actually makes parenting feel less like a battlefield.
You’re focused on the behavior, not the relationship. When we push, we’re desperate for the immediate result—clean your room, do your homework, stop fighting with your sister. But pulling keeps the bigger picture in view. Yes, the behavior matters, but the relationship matters more. Pulling prioritizes connection first, knowing that lasting change flows from a strong relationship, not from forced compliance.
How to Start Pulling Instead
Get curious before you get corrective. Before you launch into what they did wrong, ask a genuine question. “I noticed you didn’t finish your homework—what’s going on?” Sometimes there’s a reason you didn’t know about. Even when there’s not, asking first pulls them into problem-solving with you instead of against you.
Show them the why. Kids are so much more willing to follow when they understand the purpose. Instead of “Because I said so,” try “We do bedtime at this time because your brain and body need rest to grow strong.” Pulling means you’re inviting them to see the wisdom behind the boundary, not just the boundary itself.
Let them have a voice in the how. Pulling gives them some ownership. You set the what (homework needs to be done), but let them decide the how (do you want to do it right after school or after dinner?). When they feel like they have some control, they’re way less likely to resist.
Lead them, don’t just lecture them. Pulling is about walking alongside. It’s modeling what you want to see. If you want them to handle frustration with grace, they need to see you do it. If you want them to apologize when they’re wrong, you go first. Pulling means you’re not just pointing them in the right direction—you’re going there with them.
Rebuild when things get heated. Even the best parents have pushing moments. When you catch yourself doing it, pause and reset. “Hey, I’m sorry I raised my voice. Let’s try this again.” That’s still pulling—you’re pulling the relationship back to a good place instead of leaving it broken. Our kids need to see us repair, not just require.
Pulling isn’t permissive. It’s not letting them do whatever they want or avoiding hard conversations. Pulling is actually stronger than pushing because it builds something that lasts. It shapes their hearts, not just their behavior. And just like that shopping cart in the snow, you’ll find it takes way less energy and gets you so much further.